I really struggle in how I justify if I had a “good day” or not. That’s because for a very long time I just counted how good my day was by what I did or didn’t do.
I’m a list guy. Things to do, things to buy, what needs to get done goes on the list. Lists are kept of lists currently in progress. It makes me lapse into judging my days by what I did. What got done off the big list of lists?
Which is weird, right? There are lots of things I do in a day. I eat, drink, sleep, contemplate what the world will be like if this game of nuclear chicken America is having with North Korea goes south, brush my teeth. It’s a busy day.
No matter how much I “do” in the day, or manage to get off the list, it never feels like enough. The list usually has stuff on it still. That’s the part I focus on. I’m really starting to hate the list.
If I don’t use the list to measure the day, what can I do?
A small aside:
Part of me recognizes the weirdness of me posting so frequently about things I’m learning, especially if it comes off as me trying to tell the reader that I know anything. I’ll tell you two things right now:
1. I know nothing (Jon Snow, hardy har)
2. Part of me is hesitant to write these things for people to read when I regularly go to therapy and need help constantly. Who am I to tell anything to you?
When I told a friend this earlier this year, I talked about how I felt it was strange that at times when I feel like I’m falling apart, I keep talking about good things on my site. Who am I to create things, because sometimes I feel like I’m nothing special. She thought for a second and hit me with this:
“So you’re pretty much saying no one should create ever, because no one is worthy.”
Damn. Check and mate, I guess.
So I’ve taken that to heart, and just try to let people in to things I’m trying, learning, or things that make me laugh. Even though I need help and take steps to really take care of my own mental health, I’ll try and keep writing. If it helps you, groovy. If it doesn’t, then I’m sorry you wasted your time. I know that it’s definitely helping me though.
Sorry, back to what we were talking about.
I attended a conference earlier this year and heard Dr. Keith Edwards speak. You should hear him speak too. Here, watch one of his talks about the culture of sexual violence and come back to me.
Watch it? He’s great, right?
He talked about how we need to celebrate more every day. People think celebrating is meant for only special occasions, like birthdays or graduations. Those of us who are able to celebrate the little things feel more grateful and happier. Celebrate things like getting two pink starbursts in those mini packs, hitting every green light, getting to have coffee from your favourite place. It makes it the world a bit nicer to live in when you celebrate the small things.
Thinking back to the lists, I’ve stopped trying to focus on what I did every day. Instead, I’m working to look at what I made that day. Did I make anyone laugh? How about make anyone smile? Did I make time for the important people? Did I make time to reflect?
Did I make any art? Writing, jokes, and music aren’t my day job (and I freaking love my day job) but it’s another important aspect of my day. Did I make the people around me and the places I visit a little better? If yes, it’s a good day. Sometimes there are days where the answer is no, which means I should try and make time the next day to make something different.
I still get caught up in the lists and things that I did. Hopefully I’ll be able to celebrate more and focus on what I make every day soon enough.